It’s been 54 days since you left– I thought we would have more time.  We were estranged from each other for 10 years, until the year prior to your departure.  Those last 12 months were difficult, and the last 3 weeks were surreal.

Did you know I was by your side?

Did you know it was me who cleansed your face and your hands?

Did you know I helped you drink when you thirsted for water?

Did you know I guarded your dignity?

Did you know you stopped eating and drinking, when you stopped eating and drinking?

Did you know you were leaving before I told you there was nothing they could do?

Did you know that it broke my heart to tell you that?

Did you know I was never ashamed of you?

Did you know just how much I love you?

Did you know that I would cling to any word you uttered in the end of your days?

Were you scared?

Did you worry?

Did you know I would never forget how you rested in my arms?

Did you miss me?  My kids?

Were  you disappointed with me?

Did you know it didn’t matter that you were 72 and I was 41?  I felt like a helpless child watching you slip away.

I think about you all the time.  I imagine you are whole, unbroken and resting in peace.  It doesn’t stop the tears, but it gives me hope.  When my daughter sings twinkle little star, I can’t listen.  It hurts- and I don’t know why.

For all the things you weren’t, and for all the things you were, I will miss you always.  I will be thankful always, and I will be grateful always.

Brilliant, Admired, and Beloved you are.

RIP Dad.

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